


The List

by GingerEnvy



Category: Hawkeye (Comics), The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Cancer, Clint Needs a Hug, Deaf Clint Barton, Low Self Esteem, selfdeprecation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-06
Updated: 2015-10-06
Packaged: 2018-04-23 18:28:30
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,671
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4887208
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GingerEnvy/pseuds/GingerEnvy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Clint finds out some bad news and decides to write a list.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The List

" _I'm sorry Mr. Barton, but there's nothing we can do. It's too late._ "

* * *

Clint Barton had always been pretty sure his life was going to end pathetically. He just hadn't expected it to happen so soon.

He stared at nothing in his dirty and dingy apartment, he really didn't have much of anything did he? Would he need a will? He supposed he should, for his bow at least. First things first he grabbed a pen and piece of paper and wrote 'Give to Kate Bishop' and then taped it to the bow on his wall. Okay one thing down.

Now what was he supposed to do? 

He decided to make a list, something he never did, something he would probably never do under normal circumstances, but it really wasn't normal anymore.

  1. _Talk to Nat_
  2. _Talk to Bobbi_
  3. _Talk to Jess_
  4. _Katie something (bow?)_
  5. _Thank Tony for arrows_
  6. _Thank Cap for stuff_
  7. _Thank Hulk/Bruce for not crushing me_
  8. _Thank Barnes for being a bro_



He was sure that was inadequate, and he really wasn't sure if he should include his brother, he was still kinda mad at him for being a dick, but...he would see how he felt later. And he was sure he was forgetting someone, maybe Maria? Nick too? Coulson? Hell, he had no idea, maybe he should send them fruit baskets- no they were spies they would think it was poisoned. Maybe thank you cards? He had no idea, he would just wait and see if any ideas came to him. He would just leave the list for more later, he would put it on his fridge for now, he would probably think of more things. Like did he need to have a plan for a funeral..? Maybe he should just let himself be turned into a tree, he knew that was a thing. And at least a tree was useful. Useful in death sounded better than any other option he had. He sighed and set the list aside then rubbed at his aching forehead.

He looked down at Lucky who was laying on his feet, calm and not begging for pets for once, Clint wondered if he understood that his owner was dying, dogs always were smarter than people gave them credit for. Though that did make him think of another thing to add to his list, he picked it back up to add a few scribbles.

        4. _Katie something (bow?) & Lucky)_

Yeah, okay. Sure. It was a start.

He let out a breath and slumped back in his chair, first things first was just accept the facts, right? Denial was a stage of grief or something, but that just seemed pointless at this stage so...acceptance it was.

He was gonna die. Nothing to do about it. That was it. He was going to die and he had so much to do. Who knew there was so much to take care of when you died. And he knew he would need to think about more later. Uhg, dying was really not fun, he didn't recommend it. 

And right then, he really just wanted to take a nap, his head was killing him. He flopped on the couch and Lucky jumped up and inserted himself between Clint and the couch, his muzzle buried in Clint's armpit.

"Dumb dog," Clint whispered and scratched his head generously, Lucky's tail thumped once in happiness and Clint smiled before he was out, his head really did hurt.

~

Clint knew he should have figured out what he was going to say before he approached anyone, but he'd seen Nat on the Hellicarrier and his feet had just gone towards her.

"Hey Nat?" he called, she arched an eyebrow at him, "I just wanted to tell you...or talk to you about- or well no...awww crap..." he rubbed the back of his head and she only crossed her arms, unimpressed.

He took a deep breath, "Okay...I just needed to tell you that...well I guess I wanna thank you...for you know, being you. I learned a lot from you and really appreciate it...I also want you to know that I do love you...not in love with you like I thought for a long time, I know because I was in love with Bobbi, it's a different love but I do love you, probably always will and that's really...good, so yeah I just-"

"What's going on here?" Clint blinked and turned to see-

"Nat..?" he looked between the two red heads and looked more closely at the Natasha he'd been speaking to and noticed the odd not quite real quality she exuded, probably something only he would notice, but he didn't get a chance to mention it as she burst into laughter, image flickering and suddenly revealing Bobbi.

"I can't believe I actually got you, you didn't see the hologram, Barton?"

He only sighed and ran a hand through his hair, his head was really starting to hurt again, "Yeah, I did...too late...whatever...I'm sure you had that recorded...might as well replay it for the real person it was meant for," he muttered feeling just a bit humiliated.

"Clint?" Bobbi's smile slipped from her face slowly, "Are you okay? You look a little pale."

"Yeah...I just have a headache, I'll find you later Bobbi..." he said and turned waving weakly at the two women, feeling drained emotionally very suddenly. It was probably a good thing he hadn't prepared anything, Bobbi probably would have laughed in his face, he still needed to talk to her though. This was starting to be hard.

  1. _~~Talk to Nat~~ talk to real Nat and don't be an idiot about it_
  2. _Talk to Bobbi make sure it's not stupid._



He sighed at the list on his fridge, he wasn't supposed to have to redo things on the list, they were all important and redoing them meant he failed doing it the first time. He should have known he was going to fuck it up at least once, that was kind of his lot in life, so he really shouldn't be surprised.

But whatever, he would write down what he was going to say first this time, and for everyone else, just to make sure it sounded okay, he knew he wasn't the best with words, spoken or written, but at least it would give him an idea of what _not_ to say. That would probably help the most.

That was the next step really, knowing what not to say. He could do that, just not say what he would normally say the first time, easy in theory, it was the practice that would take effort. He grabbed a piece of paper and started writing.

_Nat_

_~~I know we haven't always~~ _

_We've been through a lot together, and through all of it we've had our differences, but I know I've also learned a lot from you, and I'm really glad I did because you're skilled and so much more than you let on..._

He smiled down at the start, this might actually turn out okay. That would be a first.

~

He woke up from where he'd passed out asleep on the table, from a sharp knock on the door. He jerked up and rubbed his eyes to try and wake himself further, he needed coffee. But first, before giving into his needs, he gathered up the papers on the table full of his chicken scratch and piled it all under the paperwork he still had to fill out for SHIELD. Then he went to the coffee machine and started that. He went to the door stiffing a yawn, if they really wanted to talk to him they would know that waking him up at ass o clock- he glanced at the clock, oh it was 10:30 AM, whatever, they would know he needed coffee.

He pulled the door open and blinked when he saw Natasha.

"Um...hey?" he said eloquently, she pushed passed him and spun around taking in his apartment and then ignoring everything she didn't like, which was pretty much the whole apartment.

"You had something to say to me?" Natasha asked, crossing her arms and Clint wasn't sure if he was done, but, yeah he knew Natasha wouldn't want to stick around if he was too long winded.

"Oh um...yeah," he said, "Yeah I was just you know...thinking about...um stuff, you know? And um...well-"

"Clint," Natasha said in slight exasperation, "I do need to be somewhere else today," she said and he coughed.

"Um, right okay...so, I just wanted to tell you that um...through it all, cause you know we've been through a lot, I've really appreciated having you in it...my life, I mean. You're really remarkable and I'm glad I met you, and glad you let me know you...for as much as you could, and I just wanted to let you know I'm glad for it. I loved you, still do, and that won't ever change, and I just thought you should know. And um...I think that's it...yeah."

Her lips were quirked down in a small frown, but she didn't look angry, "...If you say so," she said finally, and Clint really should have known that was the response he was going to get.

"I do," he said and she rolled her eyes but sighed and waved her hand at him.

"Go take a nap, Clint. You look like shit," she said and Clint had just woken up, but a nap maybe wouldn't be terrible really, he had only gotten maybe five hours of sleep in total, while slumped on the table at that.

"Right," he nodded, "See you later, Nat."

She waved her fingers at him, still shaking her head at his antics, "Don't get into any trouble, Barton."

He snorted softly as the door closed. Trouble found him, he had nothing to do with it, but no one ever believed him when he said that out loud.

Oh well, his coffee maker dinged and he shuffled over to it, he could take a nap later, he needed to probably do something productive today, like sort through his shit. Uhg, he was not looking forward to that.

  1. ~~_Talk to Nat_~~ ~~ _talk to real Nat and don't be an idiot about it_~~



~

"I think all we can do at this point is give you painkillers for the headaches, I'm sorry we can't do more. I've had people discreetly looking into ways to cure you but it has so far been unfruitful." 

Clint took the pill bottle full of pain medication and shrugged, "It's fine, really. I'm not that surprised to be honest," he told the doctor, "And thanks...you know for the discreet, I don't want anyone to worry about it," he said, the doctor didn't look satisfied but he couldn't exactly go against a dying man's wishes, even if he was employed by SHIELD he'd been Clint's doctor for years, almost ten at this point. How he'd never caught this before made it seem like a joke. But according to the scans, it was definitely serious, and terminal.

"Of course, Agent Barton," the doctor said, Clint slid off the table, "We can still try chemo, it would hold it off for several more months at the very least."

"...naw, I mean...what's the point if I'm just wasting away and can't even lift my bow to do what I need to, ya know?" he shrugged, "No, I'll be an Avenger until the end, if I can."

The doctor nodded and showed him out, his next appointment would be in three weeks.

Clint left the med ward and started towards the qunijets again, he still had to think of what to say to Nick about this, he did need to tell him about the whole dying thing, he was going to tell everyone at the same time, after he told them individually what he needed to. He didn't want them to take what he said differently if they knew he was dying, that's why he was telling them other things first.

He'd added that to the list of course, he'd realized he needed to tell everyone why he was doing what he was doing, otherwise it would be unfair.

     9. _Tell everyone_

He probably still needed to add something for his brother too, he would probably just have to leave him a letter since the asshole was still off the radar.

"Clint?" Clint jumped at the voice and turned to see Bobbi, "What are you doing here?"

"Oh...um, just normal check up, you know, Coulson yells at me if I don't go in at least once a month," he said only lying partially, Coulson did yell at him if he didn't go in once a month, Clint maybe went in every four months, if he remembered. At least, he'd used to, now it was once a month to get his meds filled and for a check up.

"Uh-huh," Bobbi said, "You sure about that?" 

He nodded, "Yup, um...so-"

Bobbi held up her hand, "It's okay Clint, I know you're probably going to give me the same speech you gave me as Natasha, and I appreciate it really, but you don't have to. I already know."

"Okay," Clint said, and he was sure there was a lot she didn't know already, but he wasn't going to force her to listen, she offered him one of her lopsided smirks, the one Clint used to love seeing, that made him feel like he was on the top of the word. He still loved it, but just differently.

"See you later, Hawkeye," she waved and walked down the hall until she was gone. Clint ran a hand through his hair and gripped his pain meds a bit tighter. He figured it would maybe go like that, but he still wished he'd been able to tell her. Oh well, it didn't matter, not really. She probably did know some of the things he was going to say, she knew he loved her and always did. There was that, and he still had the letter, she would know everything eventually.

    2. ~~_Talk to Bobbi make sure it's not stupid_~~

~

"Why do I have so much shit?" he muttered, Lucky only barked, his tail wagging happily where he sat near his human, Clint sighed and looked at all of the stuff he had piled around the apartment that he'd tried to sort into groups of things he thought would make it helpful, but in the end it had just made a mess.

"What the hell blew up in here?" 

Clint looked up to see Kate standing in the door looking around at his mess. His aids were turned down slightly so he hadn't heard the click of the door.

"My life?" he offered and she laughed.

"Well, I knew that already," she said that, "You need help?"

He smiled crookedly at her, "You're pretty great, Katie-Kate."

"I knew that already too," she grinned and then plopped down next to him, "What're you doing?"

"Just trying to sort my stuff, I don't need half of this stuff anymore and was bored...so...yeah," he shrugged and she hummed.

"Well sounds like a pain, but you're clearly hopeless without me," Kate grinned again and started grabbing things and sorting them herself, Clint huffed softly.

"If you find anything I'm not gonna immediately use, you can have it," he added because it made the most sense really.

"Ha, then I am totally keeping this," she waved his phone at him, a new one, because having one with a cord and still attached to the wall was a bit inconvenient.

"I said not immediately going to use!"

"You never use your phone, and no one calls you anyway~," she teased waving it around still.

"Little shit," he grumped snagging it back, he needed it for appointments and stuff, reminders to take meds. She could have it later, when he didn't need it anymore.

"You love me," she grinned.

"Most of the time," he agreed, she laughed and bumped his shoulder, "I do mean it, you know, I do love you, even when you're a brat and I want you to take over and be the only Hawkeye one day, I think you'd be really great at it. And Lucky likes you, so...there's that."

She scoffed, "Please old man, you're gonna be Hawkeye until you're old, blind and and grumpy, you're halfway there already," she teased, "Don't even try to be the hero this time, I got it. And Lucky _loves_ me," she drawled and then spluttered when the dog came over and licked her face lovingly.

"I know you do, Kate," he said and laughed softly at the dog's antics, but noticed when she frowned at him because that wasn't the reply she'd been aiming for, "And you're the grumpy one," he added, she grinned and laughed again going back to sorting with a grin on her face. That was better, he smiled and then started sorting again too. He might actually manage to make a dent in all his crap this time.

    3. _~~Kate something (bow?) & Lucky)~~_

~

Clint knew really, that Jess was going to be the hardest since it was still so fresh, so like a coward he decided to leave it for last, instead he went to go find Tony who was off being...well Tony Stark, genius, philanthropist, whatever, lucky he was easy to find, which was probably not good considering he was a superhero.

"You know...if I was a supervillain out to get you I could kill you right now," he said looking in on Tony who was bent over an open casing on his armor.

"Except they would have a hard time getting past my defenses," he said, without looking up, "What'd you break this time, Barton? I swear if it's the hearing aids- I just made those how could you have-"

"I didn't break anything, keep your pants on, jeez," Clint grumbled, honestly, "You know sometimes people come by to actually thank you for the things you make."

"They do since when?" Tony snorted, and of course he was downplaying people's gratitude to be grumpy, he was probably living on coffee and an hour of sleep.

"Since now, ya jerk, I wanted to thank you just you know, in general, for the arrows you make me, and the hearing aids and the help with stuff and just you know...being...there, I guess," Clint mumbled, Tony finally looked up.

"You okay there, Hawkeye? You're spouting nonsense," Tony replied pointing at him with his screwdriver, "You sure you don't need a tune up?"

"Oh screw you," Clint rolled his eyes and Tony smirked at him.

"I know I'm awesome, Barton, really, you don't need to flatter me just to get something, you just ask for it like a normal person," Tony huffed.

"I'm trying to be nice, you jerk," Clint groaned, "Can't you just accept my thanks?"

"I accept your thanks, what do you want? Did you break your TV again?" Tony asked and Clint threw his hands up then turned around and left. He really should have known that was coming, at least he did get to thank him. He'd still leave him a note. Honestly, he needed to be thanked more if that's how he responded to it. But that seemed like a whole new issue.

    5. ~~_Thank Tony for arrows_~~

~

Now Bruce was supposed to be easy, he usually just went with the flow, Hulk might be a bit harder so he'd save him for later if it was possible. Bruce was in a lab of his own, and Clint figured he might as well go find him while he was in the Mansion, Bruce usually didn't stray too far, he went off on summits and things for science, or let Hulk do his thing, but mostly he hung around when he had the chance.

Luckily Bruce was in his lab today, which made it easier for Clint, he knocked on the door and Bruce looked up, looked a bit confused then waved him in.

"Hello, Clint, what can I do for you?" he asked and Clint smiled a bit.

"Nothing much, I just well...um, I know we've had some rough patches through the years, you and I, I always get along better with the Hulk, but, um, I wanted to thank you, for you know...being there...or here rather or just um...you know? And I wanted to thank the Hulk for catching me all those times I fall down and he, you know, doesn't crush me for being an idiot...and I just thought I should let you guys, you know...know that I...appreciate it?" he said, and wow it had sounded so much better on paper.

Bruce looked confused, and Clint was sure the Hulk was confused.

"Um...I just wanted to say...you know...thank you," Clint muttered again awkwardly.

"You really don't have to Clint...but...you're welcome, I guess?" Bruce replied, "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, yeah, you know just thought I should tell you, I figure not many people give you the thanks you deserve," Clint shrugged.

"I'm fine...we both are, really, we know you're grateful, you usually thank Hulk every time he catches you, and I don't really do much for you," Bruce said.

"You do too, you sass with me, that's a lot, it's the subtle kind, you know different from Tony's but not quite the same as Cap's?" Clint asked, "Your sass is unique and I appreciate it."

Bruce burst into laughter, "Okay, I shouldn't put it past you to know the differences in people's 'sass', I guess, well thanks...for noticing," he replied with a smile, "You're an odd one Clint, but that's alright."

Clint smiled, he should have started with Bruce he was a great guy, "Thanks," he replied, "Well I gotta go get groceries, see you later."

"Bye," Bruce waved, shaking his head then going back to what he'd been doing. Clint moseyed on out, Bruce still deserved another letter too, he should add that to his list. Gosh his list was getting smaller and bigger at the same rate. That seemed entirely unhelpful.

 ~~~~7. _ ~~Thank Bruce/Hulk for not crushing me~~_  
  9. _Tell everyone_  
10.  _Write letters to everyone_

~

He looked at his calendar and then at his list, he had about six months left, according to his doctor, he could do it all by then, if his brain let him anyway. He really needed to get on it soon, his headaches were getting more intense and he was starting to find it harder and harder to eat, and not to mention he'd have episodes where it was like his brain was experiencing a power outage, like he couldn't think, but they weren't common yet, and it wasn't too dangerous, it still sucked. Dying really did suck the life out of you. Ha, he was so funny in his own head. 

He could still shoot, however, and thank god for that, but he knew he was going to get to the point soon where he couldn't anymore, he wasn't looking forward to that day at all.

Today was not that day and currently he was helping out Cap and Barnes and a few others with some flying AIM tech gone awry, whoever thought of flying monkeys was an idiot and Clint was going to shoot them in the ass.

For every one he took down three more would appear, and it was really starting to get frustrating, especially since he was going to run out of arrows soon, "Can we wrap this up? Does anyone know what's controlling them? I only have so many shots left," he said over the comms.

"What, you think you can save the day, Hawkeye?" Barnes drawled, taking down some monkeys further down the street.

"Well it's not like I can leave it to you," he drawled back and Bucky laughed.

"They're coming down 54th, there's gotta be a transmitter or something, take it out, Hawkeye," Cap said and Clint let out a breath, finally.

"On it," he said, hopping from his perch to head that way, grabbing as many arrows on his way, of course once he got close to where they were coming from they really started becoming a pain in the ass, they started fighting viciously, as if they were real monkeys instead of just failed Wizard of Oz paraphernalia. 

He spotted what had to be the transmitter and was able to take aim and then shoot, the thing sparked, but it wasn't enough to take it down, it was however enough to piss the damn things off and suddenly they were all coming for him, every single one.

"Well...shit," he muttered, and had to start shooting at them just so they didn't get close enough to hit him, but sooner rather than never like he wished, he was out of arrows and tossed against a wall where he hit his head and boy did that smart.

"Hawkeye did you get it? They're all leaving," Clint heard Steve's voice but his head was just overwhelmed with the pain too much to reply, he was also starting to get a little dizzy.

"Hawkeye?" This time it was Barnes, "Cap I see him, yeah monkeys are not happy and I think Hawkeye is down," Bucky was rushing down the street shooting monkeys as he went, Clint was trying to sit up, but he was seeing things with an edge of vertigo and it was making things a little hard.

Bucky cleared the robot monkeys away from him and then was there holding him up, "Barton, hey...Clint, are you okay?" Clint rubbed at his face and took a deep breath.

"'M okay...just need...another arrow then...can take it out," he muttered, he could see the monkeys converging around the transmitter, they were flying sporadically, and Bucky would just shoot and shoot and shoot, but he'd run out of ammo before he actually hit the transmitter, Clint only needed one shot he could do it...he was pretty sure he could do it.

"You don't look so good, Cap can take it down, I'll just-" Bucky started, his arms were on either side of Clint now, helping him sit up.

"No, no, 'm okay just a...a little dizzy, hit my head...arrow...need an...arrow," he muttered and his fingers found one, and somehow Bucky was holding him up and he was aiming and he was still dizzy but he knew he could still make the shot, he had to. He needed to do something, he couldn't die just being another guy with a bow.

He pulled back and then released, two seconds later the transmitter gave an anticlimactic 'Fzzzt!' and the monkeys dropped to the ground, also fitzing and spazzing out.

Clint slouched, not really noticing Bucky was keeping him up, or that he was talking to him, he blinked and took in a deep breath and willed the vertigo to go away and god his head hurt, shit he needed to take his meds.

"...Clint? Hey come on, Clint," Bucky's voice finally came to him and his ears were ringing.

"Aaaaahg," Clint muttered, "One second," he said and pulled his hearing aids out and popped his ears then adjusted his aids because he was pretty sure there was an EMP somewhere, he put them back in and the ringing was significantly less.

Bucky looked bemused, "Okay?"

"Yeah...I think so," he said, "We won right?"

Bucky burst into laughter, "Yeah, we won. Come on, you maniac," Bucky shook his head and helped Clint walk out of the destruction zone. He helped Clint to a seat and then crouched in front of him, "You look really pale, are you sure you're okay? You hit your head didn't you?"

"Yeah, but I'm okay, happens a lot," he smiled crookedly, "My concussions get concussions, I'm okay."

"Alright, " Bucky said and cocked his head to the side, "Where've you been lately? We haven't done our movie and beer and pizza night where we yell at the action movies for being bad and inaccurate."

Clint stared up at him, "Oh shit, we totally haven't...god, I'm sorry," he groaned, "I've just been so distracted lately, we can do it soon, yeah? We were on...um..which movie were we on?"

"I thought I was the one with memory problems, jeez Barton, and we were on The Two Towers, of the Lord of the Rings, and you swear you don't have a crush on Legolas," he drawled and Clint jabbed him in the shin with his boot.

"Yeah, yeah," he grumbled, "I'm checking out his bow, I want it." 

Bucky laughed again, his hands still making sure Clint was stable, he was a bit wobbly. Bucky was worried, but he was talking normally, maybe he really had too many concussions. He should maybe keep a closer eye on him...closer than he had been before. Honestly the man was totally oblivious.

"Duly noted," he shook his head, "Alright the medical personnel are here, let's get you checked out," he said pulling Clint up.

"Oh, no it's okay, I'm fine," Clint insisted but Bucky only snorted and dragged him over to the med vehicle and shoved him into the nearest EMT's hands and told them not to let him get away. Clint scowled and Bucky pat his knee then had to leave to go help Steve.

Clint frowned and watched as Bucky moved off, then frowned more, he had been meaning to talk to him after the battle, and to talk to Steve, he needed to thank them, but if he saw Bucky later he could do that then, and it probably wasn't the best time now anyway. They had just finished battling robot flying monkeys from Oz.

He told the EMT he was really okay, _really_. He just needed some aspirin, the med wasn't totally convinced and inspected his head and only let him go after she declared him fine in her own terms, she gave him the aspirin and then sent him on his way.

He plucked up his bow, which Bucky had left leaning against the vehicle, he smiled, it was nice to be taken care of, even a little bit. Bucky was pretty great, Clint would have to add something nice to his letter, like a ticket to the new science exhibit. Bucky liked sciencey stuff.

He still felt awful so he decided to go home and take a nap, then invite Bucky over for a movie. Yeah, that would be pretty great.

~

"That is not possible, I don't care how crazy good you are there is no way-" Bucky's knee knocked against Clint's from where they sat on the couch, almost but not quite right up against each other.

"I can so do it, and if I had a shield, some stairs and something to shoot at, I'd show you and your disbelieving mind," Clint knocked his knee back.

"Oh, I can come up with two of those things," Bucky smirked, "I'm sure Steve won't mind if we borrow his for a little while, and there's some stairs like that out at the dam."

"Yeah, and you get to tell Steve why you stole his shield, I am totally a third party observing...user, yep." Clint nodded and Bucky laughed again, nudging him.

"He'll forgive you at least, you can actually throw the thing properly," Bucky huffed and Clint flapped a hand at him.

"You just like bludgeoning too much to try," he teased and Bucky snorted, "It's okay, the world forgives you."

"Screw you, Barton," he said and Clint laughed, slumping on the couch, smiling. Bucky opened his mouth, because hell, Clint was never going to notice unless he shoved it in Clint's face. But Clint was faster.

"Hey, Buck...I was gonna, talk to you about something," he said, not really looking at Bucky and maybe he was wrong? "Yeah...I wanted to...you know...thank you for keeping me from hermitude. I haven't really...talked to anyone at all lately, but you know...you always come by and bring pizza and stuff and I really appreciate that. You really don't have to...I know I'm kinda hopeless and hard to get along with...but I appreciate it anyway and am glad for it, so...you know, thanks," he said and Bucky looked at his profile, Clint turned and offered him a little shrug and a small self-deprecating smile.

"Clint..." he started because it seemed kind of out of no where, and it sounded like Clint thought it was a pity kind of company, and it really wasn't. Bucky had sorta liked him the first time they'd really started getting along, and then when they just clicked in both battle and off, Bucky had wanted more so he'd issued the whole pizza and movie night idea with Clint and Clint had said yes, Bucky had assumed he knew why, but after three months of almost one night a week and Bucky trying to be casual about it, he knew Clint was just oblivious. Like he couldn't consider someone liking him again after his clusterfuck with Jess. Maybe he was punishing himself, Bucky didn't know but it was depressing and frustrating and he just wanted Clint to notice he was being chased after.

He opened his mouth to explain, but Clint had fallen asleep against him while he'd let his thoughts take him and he hadn't noticed, Bucky sighed and pressed his lips to Clint's hair, "You're welcome...even though I don't need your thanks, you idiot." 

Bucky let him sleep until the movie ended then shoved him off towards bed, he went with a few mumbled words and then collapsed, Bucky was nice enough to remove his hearing aids for him, then he made sure Lucky was okay, then left. He would be sure to check on him more when he could, he seemed to need it. 

    8. ~~_Thank Barnes for being a bro_~~

~

Clint was really starting to have a hard time of things, like thinking. So he decided it was about time he wrote his letters, he used his little speeches as bases, it made it significantly easier and he was able to get them all out without much trouble, he had to take a nap on the first day because his head started hurting too much to think, but the second day he finished he also had a request to talk to Fury put in, he needed to and soon. He had all of his letters in envelopes on his table, each one with a name on the front, and his apartment was clean, it was definitely odd. But...Clint knew it would make things easier for everyone else in the end.

    10. ~~_Write letters to everyone_~~

He'd also added some things to the list that he'd just done immediately, so it really wasn't adding too much, but still his list had gotten long.

    11. ~~_Leave letter for Barney_~~  
    12. ~~_Leave info about bank for Barney_~~

In the end, Clint supposed if money was what Barney wanted, then he could have it, Clint wasn't exactly broke, he'd taken that money well...mostly because he was angry at his brother, but looking back on it now, it was just pointless, so Barney could have the money.

Now all he had to do was tell everyone, talk to Jess and talk to Cap, that shouldn't be too bad really, Cap was always pretty humble when he accepted things, so Clint wasn't too worried, he just needed a chance to do it. 

Luckily Steve was usually around the Mansion when he wasn't saving the world from evil or itself, so Clint didn't have to do much to track him down, he just needed to get him alone.

Double luckily he was usually alone at like 6 am and Clint had had like three naps the day before so his sleep was messed up and he was able to get to the gym while Steve was there no problem, he was watched the man for a minute before moving in, Steve was definitely someone to be admired, he may have the serum, but he still made sure to work out every single day he could to make sure he was in peak condition. Steve was pretty crazy.

"Hey," Clint said and Steve looked up from where he was beating up a reinforced punching bag, he looked surprised, but not displeased.

"Hey, Clint, did you need something?" he asked stopping and grabbing his water bottle.

"Um...sorta?" Clint shrugged walking closer and rubbing the back of his head then flinching, his brain was tender, or...something like that.

"Sort of?" Steve asked and looked concerned at the flinch.

"Um, yeah I just wanted to...you know...thank you, for being...you?" he tried and shrugged, "You've taught me a lot, Cap, about a lot of things in life and I wanted to thank you for that, I really appreciate it, you're pretty awesome, Steve, figured you deserved some kind of something for all you do," he said.

Steve laughed softly, "You don't have to thank me, Clint, honest, just knowing that I helped really is enough," he said and Clint smiled.

"I knew you were gonna say something like that, you're too damn good, Steve," he said and Steve rolled his eyes, Clint smiled, "Really, I am grateful, I just wanted you to know."

"Well, thank you," Steve said, gripping his shoulder, "You're pretty damn good yourself, Hawkeye."

"Aw, shucks, you're gonna make me blush," Clint drawled and Steve shook his head and laughed.

"You and Bucky...honestly, you two being together scares me," he teased.

"Aw, come on, we just watch movies, nothing nefarious."

"Yet," Steve grinned and Clint beamed.

"Yet," he agreed, then bid Steve farewell and took his leave, leaving him to his work out, Clint still had to set up a meeting with Fury, talk to Jess, and tell everyone left.

But at least he knew he'd done something.

    6. ~~_Thank Cap for stuff_~~

~

Fury was sitting behind his desk. Coulson and Maria were standing behind him with blank faces, Clint wasn't nervous because he'd been subjected to this set up more than once over the last several years. however, his brain wasn't working and his mouth was suffering the consequences. He couldn't tell Fury outright what was going on because he couldn't form the words he wanted to say. He would have used sign language, he knew Fury knew a little and Coulson knew it, but his hands were shaking too badly for that too.

But he'd been prepared for that, he'd gotten his file from medical, and he knew that was really all Fury would need, so he pushed it across his desk and waited, nodding when he received an arched eyebrow in question. Fury sighed and opened the file, not giving anything away. He sighed once he was done then placed it back down on the desk.

"That's it then, Barton? No stubborn declaration that this won't bring you down?" Fury asked and Clint grinned at him crookedly.

"K-Kinda hard to d-do that w.... When I'm...Terminal," he shrugged.

"Terminal?" Coulson repeated, frowning.

"Barton's got a tumor in his head, there's a fifteen percent chance of survival with medical help, he chose not to fight and is just accepting it," Fury asked, eye narrowing at the blond, "Isn't that right? And he's only got one more month to live."

"Not e-everyone is...is...immortal, Nick," he said with a shrug, "I knew...I was...was gonna go...f-first," he said he didn't want to, sure, but he was accepting his fate without kicking and screaming. Which, he would admit really was not his style. But when your doctor said there was no way to get the tumor out without it leaving you a vegetable...he'd take his month left and just deal. 

"Barton, I'm sure there are ways-" Coulson started but Clint shook his head.

"Been looking," he said simply, they had been looking for other solutions, but so far nothing had been any better. Clint might get a few more months, but he'd sacrifice his body and be as good as dead. It seemed pointless.

"So that's it then?" Maria asked, her lips pursed and Clint shrugged.

"I got all my...my ducks in a row...so...yeah," he said smiling, "Just want to...let you know...before."

Fury nodded, "Very well Barton, you are dismissed, and thank you for your service."

Clint smiled at them all and waved a little then turned and headed out, he wasn't able to help the Avengers now either, he couldn't shoot or even see very well anymore. He was at the end, and it was kind of sad, but he was prepared.

He just had one more stop, he needed to talk to Jess.

And wouldn't fate have it, she was supposed to be around the Helicarrier it was just a matter of finding her, even more fate worthy he spotted her hair and red and yellow suit in a group of what was probably recruits.

"Hey...Jess?" he called and she turned at the sound of her name, but her face hardened at the sight of him, "U-um...c-can I talk to you for a...minute?"

"I'm a little busy," she said coolly, Clint's smile slipped just a bit, she was still pissed apparently.

"I....it will just take a...minute...?" he tried and she let out a huff of air then walked over to him, and Clint figured that was as good as he was going to get, with the baby agents within hearing distance, well this was going to end well. "I...just wanted to...to...to apologize," he said and he was pretty sure he couldn't think because he was feeling even more stressed than usual, "I...I know I...um..."

Jess rolled her eyes, "You know what, I don't care, just leave me alone, Clint, you've done enough," she said with a bit of a hand toss in the air, "That's all I need from you, to just never talk to me again."

"...okay," he muttered, because that was definitely something he could do, he vaguely thought he shouldn't even give her the letter, but she was giving him one last glare then turning around and returning to her recruits. And he figured he could give it to her at the very least, but she didn't have to read it.

Clint turned too and started back to the quinjets to head back home, not really hearing but hearing the conversation behind him.

"Was that Hawkeye? He didn't look very good did he?"

"He's not good at taking care of himself, don't worry about it, he's almost dying on a daily basis, now come on we have more to do."

"Yes, Ma'am!"

Clint let out a soft breath and thought that maybe a lie down would do him some good, his headaches were getting really bad these days.

    3. ~~Talk to Jess~~

~

When he got to the apartment he was surprised to find Bucky on the couch with Lucky on his lap, "Bucky?" he said and the other man looked up and smiled at him.

"Hey, you keep vanishing, Barton, you're becoming more elusive than a well built Doombot," he said pushing Lucky off of him and coming to greet Clint.

Clint grinned and shrugged, "Taking care of...stuff," he said and Bucky took a step closer and put his hand on Clint's forehead.

"Are you okay? You really don't look well, have you been eating?" he asked, looking concerned.

"'M fine...just...stuff," he replied, "Taking care of...stuff...yeah...you'll know...uh...soon," he said, "You...you want to...do movies?" he asked trying really hard not to let his brain break, his head was throbbing, but he didn't want to push Bucky away, it seemed rude and also...Clint didn't really want to be alone.

Bucky still looked worried but he nodded, "Yeah, I'll order the pizza," Clint smiled and went over to put in a movie, then flopped on the couch, Lucky jumping up to shove his nose in Clint's armpit.

"Dumb...dog," he muttered and rubbed his head, his hands were really shaking now. Yikes. A few moments later Bucky sat down next to him.

"What're we watching?" he asked pressed up close to Clint, he was warm and it felt so nice to be next to someone so close.

"Mad Max," Clint said, relaxing against Bucky and it felt really good, he didn't even realize Bucky had thrown an arm around his shoulders. Clint only noticed when Bucky moved to go answer the door to get the pizza, he blinked at his back and watched as he paid the delivery boy and then came back, Bucky looked at him questioningly.

"You okay?" he asked setting the boxes down and grabbing himself and Clint a slice, Clint took it, looked at it then at Bucky.

"Were we...cuddling?" he asked and Bucky's lips twitched, "Are you...are you...?"

"Man, you are so slow," Bucky said with a laugh, "Yeah...yeah I am."

Clint just stared at him, because why, why did this have to happen now? And why was he so goddamn oblivious? He'd been doing this movie thing with Bucky for almost a year, they could have- but no. If they had, Bucky would have had to give him up, at least now...now it wouldn't hurt as much...right?

"Can I kiss you now? I've wanted to for I can't remember how long," Bucky said, his lips moving and Clint was staring at them and his mind wasn't understanding what he was lip reading until it did and Clint should say no, he should save Bucky from this, but Bucky was leaning closer and maybe Clint was leaning in too and no words came, instead lips met lips and Clint could cry.

That could be his last kiss, for the rest of his short miserable life.

Bucky's hand came to cup the back of his head and the kiss was so good, Clint never wanted it to stop, his lips moved against Bucky's and his hands gripped his shirt and they didn't pull apart until their lips were on their way to chapped. Bucky smirked at him, forehead resting on Clint's.

"Damn...that was better than I'd imagined," he whispered, Clint laughed softly, closing his eyes because he knew he had to tell him. He opened his mouth and Bucky kissed him again, quick and sneaky this time.

"Come on, eat first, more kissing later," Bucky insisted shoving the slice of pizza at Clint's mouth, Clint opened on instinct and munched down and wow he was pretty hungry, he hadn't had any food in...well, probably too long, his stomach wasn't really happy about eating these days, but he was able to eat a few slices and lean up against Bucky with his arm curled around his shoulders and it felt so good to have contact like this with someone. It was a nice thing to have before he wouldn't have it anymore. But it still wasn't fair to Bucky.

"B-Bucky...I gotta...tell you..." he muttered, starting on what he knew would end this, but Bucky squeezed him and kissed the side of his head.

"We can talk later, okay? About all the nitty gritty things, and the stuff that we hate tomorrow...but right now...let's just be, okay?" he smiled Clint nodded before he really thought about it. But tomorrow...he could do tomorrow.

"Okay," he said and nuzzled into Bucky's shoulder, if all he had was until tomorrow, he was going to enjoy tonight. He could have that at least.

~ 

The next morning Clint knew he was going to have to have the talk today, he had his AVENGERS ID out to call in the people he needed to, he had even started writing a new letter to Bucky, telling him how sorry he was that nothing more could happen between him and he wished that things had been different because now that he wasn't an idiot...he really did like him. So he was sorry that all they had was that one night of pizza some kisses and a movie. 

Clint had gotten to the point that he was thinking too hard and it hurt too much, he got up from the table where his letters were placed by his list with everything crossed off but one.

He headed into the bathroom where he kept his painkillers, they only helped mildly these days, but he wanted to finish his letter before he had them all come over so he could talk to them about everything, and it would help if he could think in order to do that.

He reached up to grab the bottle, and suddenly got dizzy, he gripped the counter to steady himself, he took a deep breath and grabbed the bottle, only to get hit with another wave of dizziness. He caught a glance of himself in the mirror and god, he did look awful, pale and tired and sick, and the dribble of red coming from his nose was really not reassuring. 

A second later he was crashing to the floor and thinking desperately that this couldn't be it. This couldn't be the end. He could feel wetness on his cheeks, from both the pain and the thoughts in his head.

' _No...please, I don't want to leave it like this. I don't want Bucky to...not like this..._ ' he saw his hallway getting smaller and smaller and then nothing, he couldn't see anything and he felt like he was finally free.

~

"Hey Clint, I brought donuts, I thought it might be nice to mix it up for once, and I know you like unhealthy food," Bucky called, "Down Lucky," he waved the dog away who was 'wuffing' insistently at him, he held the box of donuts up, walking into the apartment and placing the box on the table, he would have kept walking but he spotted his name on something on the table he looked at it and frowned, seeing the words on the letter, handwriting shakey and a bit hard to read.

"Clint what's this?" he called and frowned realizing he hadn't heard Clint reply to him at all, "Did you forget to put your hearing aids in again? Clint?" Bucky set the box down and went a bit further into the apartment wondering where the archer was. And then he saw him.

Clint was lying half in half out of the bathroom, Lucky nosing at him now, more wuffing, worried for his human. Bucky rushed over to him, shaking him gently and getting no response, "Clint! Wake up, what happened?" he was trying not to panic, he pulled Clint over and saw the blood, it was dried which meant he'd been like this for at least an hour.

"Shit," Bucky fumbled for his phone while also feeling for a pulse, he dialed 911 and told them quickly and concisely what they needed to know and then he was doing all he could to wake him up, he spotted the bottle on the floor next to him. He picked it up and frowned at it. Pain meds for severe headaches? Clint had never mentioned that, not once. And this bottle was a refill, which meant it had to have been happening for awhile.

"Clint what were you trying to tell me last night..?" he whispered but really had no other moment to think about it as the EMTs were there after about ten minutes. Bucky went with them to the hospital to find out what was wrong, when he found out he was really not pleased. He left Clint there, where his SHIELD doctor would come and do whatever he was going to do. Bucky returned to Clint's apartment.

He went to the table again and picked up the note, reading it then looking at the other envelopes, they had the names of people Clint considered his closest friends, there was another one with his name on it. He opened it and read it, he knew exactly what it was. It was a farewell letter. He'd written him one and then things had changed last night and he had been trying to write him a new one.

Bucky slammed his metal hand on the table and almost made it splinter, goddammit. Clint's timing just had to be so fucking brilliant didn't it?

He took a deep breath and decided he'd better do Clint a favor, since according to the doctor, he likely would not be leaving the hospital again. He called the Avengers to his apartment and was ready to give them the news, it was the least he could do. And it prevented him from thinking about things too hard. He could do that later. He put out the call for the specified Avengers and then waited.

Natasha arrived first, she arched her brow at him in question he gestured for her to sit and she did, but still looked curious, shortly after Tony came, so he'd likely flown in his suit.

"What's going on? Where's Hawkeye?" he demanded, "He called this party, he should at least be here to host it."

"Sit, I'll tell you once everyone is here," Bucky said and soon enough all of them trickled in, Kate looking excited, she was likely expecting that she was actually going to work with the Avengers, it was disheartening to think that was not the case. Steve came too, looking confused and even more so when he saw Bucky there. Bobbi and Jess arrived shortly after, the former looking curious the latter looking like she really rather not be there. Bruce came shuffling in a bit later looking unsure as to why he was needed there.

Bucky glanced at the list, everyone was there except for Clint's brother, but Bucky knew there was a slim chance of that so he turned to the gathered Avengers.

"So...are you here to tell us that you finally got in his pants? Because I really don't want to know," Kate said, and Bucky knew she had been spending way too much time with Clint, he would have smiled if the situation hadn't been what it was.

"No...turns out that won't be happening," he said and ignored Steve's wide eyes, "Nothing will be happening with Clint, ever again. He's officially resigned from the Avengers."

"Whoa, whoa...what do you mean?" Tony asked, "Clint was one of the first Avengers he can't just...resign." 

"It's not be choice," Bucky said and then lifted the list from the table, "He wrote this...he never writes lists." There were several murmurs of consent to that.

  1. _~~Talk to Nat~~ ~~talk to real Nat and don't be an idiot about it~~_
  2. ~~_Talk to Bobbi make sure it's not stupid_~~
  3. ~~_Talk to Jess_~~
  4. ~~_Katie something (bow?) & Lucky)_~~
  5. ~~_Thank Tony for arrows_~~
  6. ~~_Thank Cap for Stuff_~~
  7. ~~_Thank Bruce/Hulk for not crushing me_~~
  8. ~~_Thank Barnes for beign a bro_~~
  9. _Tell everyone_
  10. ~~_Write letters to everyone_~~
  11. ~~_Leave letter for Barney_~~
  12. ~~_Leave info about bank for Barney_~~



"He had this list and some of you may remember him coming to see you to talk to you, to thank you in person, he clearly wanted it to mean something before he told you," he let out a breath, this was hard and he really wanted to punch a wall. "As you can see...only one isn't crossed off," he said, "And that was tell everyone, well...he's not here to tell everyone so I'm going to do it. Clint's dying. He has a tumor in his brain and he's not expected to last much longer than a week according to the doctor I talked to. I found him passed out on the floor this morning," he said and wasn't surprised by the gapes he received from most of the heroes gathered in Clint's living room.

"Wait...he's..." Bobbi frowned, "This has got to be a joke, he wouldn't just _give up_ , that's not him at all."

"He had a 15% chance of survival, I don't think he gave up...I think he just accepted it because he felt there was no point in lingering," Bucky said, gritting his teeth, "He told everyone thank you and how sorry he was for...he thought he was a burden." 

He turned and grabbed the letters handing them out, "He wrote each of you a letter and if it's anything like mine, it has more apologies and gratitude."

He watched as they each opened the letters, Natasha and Tony were the first ones done. Natasha's lips were pursed which meant Clint had gotten under her skin and made her feel, he was good at that. Tony looked frustrated by his letter and then looked lost in thought.

Bruce was next, he'd likely read it more than once, he looked a little lost, like he was unsure how to react, it was probably good, compared to him getting angry or upset about it.

Bobbi scrunched up her letter and looked like she was doing her damndest not to start crying, she was also saying 'Clint you idiot', ad nauseam. 

Jess wasn't so lucky, she had a hand over her mouth and looked like she was crying, Bobbi looked over at her, concerned.

"Jessica?" she asked and the brunette shook her head.

"He...he came to apologize to me last week...and I wouldn't let him, I..." she let out a soft sob, "He told me exactly what he thought I needed in this stupid letter..." and it was exactly what she needed. Clint wanted her to be happy, and he thought she deserved someone who loved her unconditionally, someone not like him, and he was sorry he'd wasted her love, she deserved so much better and he wished her happiness.

Bobbi placed a hand on her shoulder, she'd gotten something similar, except Clint was able to tell her he did love her, and always would and because of that he wanted her to be happy.

"He's an idiot," Kate whispered, "He left me his bow...and Lucky," she said and it looked like she was trying not to cry too, "Idiot, idiot, idiot!"

Steve had read his and was then next to Bucky, Steve knew Bucky had been planning things and now it looked like it was hopeless, he placed his hand on Bucky's shoulder, "You okay, Buck?"

"Not really," Bucky murmured, he ran his flesh hand over his face, "We kissed for the first time last night...and...I think he tried to tell me...but I told him we would talk later," he sighed, "And now...it's too late."

Steve squeezed his shoulder, "If there was anything to be done, I'm sure he would have-"

"No, he wouldn't," Tony interrupted, "He wouldn't have done everything unless he knew about it. Extremis." Tony stood up and pulled out his phone, "He didn't know I still have some, if I program it to cure him...he could live."

"You still have some Extremis?" Bruce asked, "You know-"

"Yeah yeah, I don't care about SHIELD, if we're gonna get it in Clint, we'd better do it soon before it's too late, besides I have a few words I need to share with him."

"Wait-" Bucky held up his hand stepping around Steve.

"Are you saying you know how to cure him?" Kate said for him, "Because if you do you need to do it right now!"

"I'm already on it, Mini-Hawkeye, give me twelve hours," Tony said and then he was gone and the Iron Man suit was flying down the street.

"Okay..." Bobbi said, "So...Clint isn't going to die, we can pretend this never happened."

"What? Hell no, you all needed to fucking tell him something too!" Bucky snapped, "He thought- Jesus you don't care what he thought do you," he threw his hands up, "Whatever I'm going to the hospital."

"What?" Bobbi looked furious, because she did care about Clint to an extent, but she knew she wouldn't really win an argument with Barnes.

Natasha followed after Bucky without a word as did Steve and Kate, Bruce followed after Tony to see if he could help any, he did know biochemistry better than anyone.

Bobbi decided that she might as well go to the hospital too, Jess had no idea what to do and just left, really too emotional to make any decisions.

Clint had made more of an impact than he'd ever thought he would.

~

It took Tony seven hours to configure the Extremis and Bruce another two to double check everything and then two more to do a preliminary beta test, so eleven hours after the meeting in Clint's apartment Tony was in the hospital ready to give it to him, Bucky and Steve were there, Kate had been there for as long as she could before she had to leave, but she'd made plans to come back and to make sure Lucky was fed, for which Bucky was grateful as he'd forgotten about him. Natasha was meanwhile off getting some food for them.

"How do you think he's going to react?" Steve asked looking at Clint who was glowing from the Extremis but was still passed out from other drugs.

"Surprised, like the dumbass he is," Bucky mumbled, he'd been staring at Clint since he'd come to the hospital. Steve smiled, he knew his friend had liked the archer for awhile, he'd been a bit surprised it had taken Clint so long to realize it, however. He had to have serious self esteem issues if he didn't think Bucky was spending so much time with him out of pity or something. Steve thought that was rather sad, considering how full of himself he usually came off as around people. But it made sense, he made it look like he was confident to cover up his insecurity.

"You going to have a few words with him too?" Steve asked and Bucky grunted.

"Yeah, I know why he didn't tell me, but he should have told someone! Goddammit! He was holding onto this all alone the whole time, fucking dumbass," he growled. Steve tried not to smile.

"Language," he said and grinned, Bucky shot him a look.

"Fuck off, Rogers," he grumbled and Steve laughed then gripped his shoulder.

"Alright, I'll leave you to it, Natasha will probably be back with food, I'll leave you two to it," he said and then left, he had other things to do as well.

Bucky slumped into a chair near the bed but not right next to it, Clint was really hot right now so touching him wasn't the best idea.

Natasha was along a moment later, she handed Bucky a bag and Bucky didn't really want to eat, but he knew better than to not, his metabolism wasn't as fast as Steve's but it was still fast enough he needed to make sure he had energy as often as he could. He shoved the bagel sandwich in his mouth and just kept waiting.

"You two would be good together, I think," Natasha said and Bucky glanced at her, he was much the same with Natalia as Clint was with Bobbi, but Bucky knew he could do little to change what had happened. He needed to move on.

"I think you and Murdock are pretty good together," he said and Natasha arched her eyebrow at him, he shrugged, "I still worry about you Natalia." 

"You shouldn't...you'll be worrying about him enough, you'll need the extra energy," she said, gesturing at Clint, "I have known him a long time, he's a good man, but he does have his flaws...I think you two will be able to work it out very well."

Bucky looked up at her curious, then he sighed, "Well...thank you, I guess, I'll probably need it."

"You will," she said and then set her hand gently on his shoulder then turned and left, leaving Bucky alone with Clint.

Bucky sure hoped she was right, but he still had a few words to say to his dumbass archer when he woke up.

~

Clint woke up and noticed something immediately, his head didn't hurt. He hadn't not had a headache in so long he was almost positive he was dead.

"Clint?" 

Okay, he had to be dead if he was hearing Bucky, that was good right? He made it to some kind of paradise, or maybe it was hell because he knew he'd never have him.

"I know you can hear me, dumbass."

Clint blinked again and then realized he could see the ceiling of the hospital, "...Bucky?"

And then Bucky's face was hovering over him, "Jesus, you are such a pain in the ass," he said but looked utterly relieved, "Hey."

"Hey?" he said and then the bed was moving and he was sitting up, and there was Bucky and Kate and Tony and Bobbi, "Oh..."

"You are a complete idiot, Clint Barton," Bobbi said immediately, and then she was hugging him but let him go pretty quickly, "Ah, you're still radiating heat..."

"Huh..?" Clint said eloquently, he had no idea what was going on, he'd been meaning to talk to them today, or maybe it was tomorrow already so, yesterday? Something like that.

Bucky rolled his eyes, "Here's the deal sunshine," he said, "I found you passed out in your apartment yesterday, then found out you were dying, also found your list and your letters and told this lot and the others what I gathered from it all, Tony being the stubborn but brilliant asshole he is, was able to give you Extremis and cure you, so you're not dying anymore."

Clint's eyes widened and then his mouth opened and closed a few times, he was very confused, "But...what..?"

"You know the real question is why you didn't come to us in the first place, you know Bruce and I could have figured it out in a matter of hours, months before you were at this point," Tony said crossing his arms and raising an unimpressed eyebrow at him.

"I...I didn't think..." he muttered shrugging, "I didn't think you'd...have the time..."

"Dammit, Barton," Tony groaned rubbing his face, "The next time you're dying come to me first please so we can avoid this in the future."

"Uh...kay," Clint said, he was still confused. Tony rolled his eyes and then waved at them making his exit with an air of frustration.

Bobbi let out a sigh, "You should have told us, Clint we care about you, you know?"

"Um...yes?" he offered which made it pretty clear that sometimes, he didn't know that, sometimes he got so caught up in himself he forgot it wasn't just about him. Bobbi sighed and looked at Bucky as if telling him Clint was his problem now.

"I'm sorry," he said after a moment of silence, "I just didn't think...it was worth it...and that was dumb."

"You're damn right it was dumb," Bucky growled, "Seriously Clint...you're important, to all of us. You clearly knew at least somewhat if you wrote us all letters."

"Yeah...I guess, I just...I just wanted you guys to know that stuff..."

"Well, the next time you're dying you can keep your damn bow," Kate huffed, "I'l pry it from your cold and wrinkly hands myself."

Clint smiled, "Whatever you say, Katie-Kate."

She nodded and then flicked him in the forehead before she took her leave, Bobbi punched Clint gently on the arm then kissed his cheek and left too, telling him he was an idiot once again, for good measure.

That left him with Bucky, he stared at him then looked down at his hands on the hospital bed, "I'm sorry...I should have told you first, but I wasn't thinking...I just...I wanted to enjoy what I had, and then you kissed me and I-"

Bucky didn't let him finish, he pulled up his chin and kissed him soundly on the lips. "It doesn't matter now," he muttered, "I'm just glad you're okay."

"Okay..?" Clint mumbled, obviously distracted by the kiss. Bucky laughed and kissed him again, it was good to know he could render Clint speechless with just one brush of the lips.

"Okay," Bucky agreed, "And don't you ever die on me again, got it, Hawkeye?"

Clint smiled, "Got it, I'd rather not die any time soon myself," he said, "So...I'm...really okay?" he asked and Bucky nodded.

"Tony was able to get rid of the tumor and the tissue it grew from so no more can regrow and then it repaired any damage done, and that was all over your body, except for your ears, the damage to those were too extensive, but...apparently your liver needed some cleaning," he said dryly. "Am I going to have to baby you for the rest of your life?"

Clint was gobsmacked but also so relieved and grateful he didn't know what he could do to repay Tony, probably keep living and doing it well was a good start.

Clint smirked, "Probably, in case you hadn't noticed, I'm not too good at taking care of myself."

Bucky snorted, "I noticed."

Clint laughed into the next kiss, he felt so elated, so overjoyed at the fact that he wasn't dead and that he could actually have this. Bucky kissing him and holding him.

This was better than heaven and he would never squander it. Not in this life.

THE END


End file.
